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Letters From Husband & Wife

To My Dear Wife:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days.

The  following is a list of reasons why I did not succeed more often:

     54 times the sheets were clean
     17 times it was too late
     49 times you were tired
     20 times it was too early
     15 times is was too late
      3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
     22 times you had a headache
      7 times you were sunburned
      9 times you said your mother would hear us
     43 times you weren't in the mood
     17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
      6 times you were watching the late show on TV
      5 times you didn't want to mess up your hairdo
     16 you said you were too sore
     12 times it was the wrong time of the month
     34 times you had to get up too early

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory becouse
6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in
the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times
I had  wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had
hurt you  because I felt you move.


To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons you
did not get more that you did:

      5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
     44 times you did not come home at all
     21 times you did not come
     33 times you came too soon
     19 times you went soft before you got it in
     10 times your toes were in a cramp
     30 times you worked too late
     29 times you had to get up early to play golf
      2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
      4 times you caught it in your zipper
      3 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue
      3 times you had a cold and your nose kept running
      2 times you had a splinter in your finger
     20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
      6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
     98 times you were too busy watching football on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling; what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to

Kevin Mickey            | kmickey(at)         |
1537 Vista Club Circle  | (408) 987-7370             |
#206                    | (408) 654-9741             |
Santa Clara, CA 95054   | MIME Mail OK               |

Scabs are mother nature's band-aids

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